Episode 200

Does a calm, confident mother even exist?

If you looked around our world, it kind of sounds like a mythical creature, rare and too good to be true.

When I first became a mom, it didn’t occur to me that I could become a calm, confident mother. I was really excited to be a mom…but I was too caught up in the details of growing a baby, giving birth, learning how to breastfeed, etc. to think about what *kind* of mom I wanted to be. And if I had given it any thought, I don’t think I would have believed that “calm & confident” was an option, not with the rhetoric we’re fed as moms.

It saddens me to think that I was trying so hard those first few months of mothering to “fit in” with what a typical American mother looked like. Which is funny, because I’ve always been a bit of a rebel. But during the “figuring it out” phase of newborn life, I was more like a people pleasing rebel, if that’s even a thing? I wanted everyone’s approval, but I also couldn’t quite ignore that little voice telling me, this doesn’t feel right.

I had brought home a beautiful baby girl, two weeks before her due date because I was induced for high blood pressure. Looking back now, I see the moment differently than I did then. But at the time, I trusted the process and assumed all of it was necessary.

But we were home. She was healthy. We were safe. Wasn’t that supposed to be enough? That’s what we’re told here in America. Healthy mom + healthy baby = good enough. But after having gone through a traumatic child birth, that did not feel like truth. Everyone else around me kept saying something along those lines, “at least you’re both healthy,” and then they moved on and implied I should move on, too.

I didn’t want to move on. I wanted to process it more, but it didn’t seem like there was much time to do that. My doula tried, but she had said some things to me that made me lose a bit of respect for her along our journey together and she didn’t feel like a safe place to process what had happened. Besides, I needed her help to figure out more pressing matters: jaundice, latching, and how to get my milk to come in.

Those first few months, I settled into what everyone seemed to call “the trenches.” I was doing my best to “survive motherhood.” Looking back, I’m struck by how quickly I adopted that language without ever stopping to question it.

Survive.

Why was survival the expectation?

Why wasn’t anyone talking about delight? Or wonder? Or becoming?

There were so many moments that I just stared at the little miracle that was my daughter in complete and under wonder. What a treasure. What a gift. What a dream come true.

And then there were less glamorous moments where I felt miserable. I thought this was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my whole life? Why is it so hard?

None of the gadgets made life easier, despite their promises. None of the mainstream advice seemed to be working. I read sleep schedule blogs while too sleep deprived to even comprehend them. I woke my sleeping baby to nurse her because someone told me I should, even though it went against my every instinct. I slept beside my baby and was afraid to reach out and hold her while she slept because someone convinced me it was unsafe.

I scoured the mommy chats.

Becoming a mom is a dream come true! But I’m not happy with the way things are going. Does anyone else feel this way? Is this the baby blues? Why is this so hard?

This is just how it is, they said. It’s hard. It will always be hard. And then proceeded to tell me what to do while the next person advised just the opposite. Everyone was so sure of their answer. There was occasional encouragement, but on the whole, it was discouraging and useless. It fed my sleep-deprived spiral.

Everyone had advice…but no one seemed to have peace.

You know what they had in spades? Fear. Fear is by far the loudest voice in modern mothering.

I’m grieved to say it, but modern motherhood culture paints a bleak picture of mothering. It’s really, really sarcastic (just look at the popularity of accounts like Scary Mommy), mothering from burn out is seen as the norm, and we’re told motherhood is something to be “survived” and then parent from that posture. Convenience reigns supreme…and kids are seen as inconvenient. We’re bombarded with posts from moms saying they wish they could get back to who you were before having kids (especially if it means fitting into those pre-baby jeans).  Moms ask all the time: “What can I do to feel more like my old self?”

But what if that’s the wrong question?

What if motherhood isn’t stealing your old self? What if it’s revealing who you’re becoming? What if that was the message we shared with more moms?

You are always becoming.

But honestly, if you had told that to sleep deprived, new mom me, she probably wouldn’t have heard you. At least for the first few months.

Years later, I can see. Hindsight is 20/20. I see what calm, confidence looks like. It’s real. It’s attainable. It’s rebellious. And it’s freeing.

I couldn’t see it then, but those first bewildering months were quietly leading me to where I am now. “Count it all joy.” James 1:2. Those moments led to this one.

Gadgets change. Apps change. Experts change their advice. Even what’s considered “normal” on child development charts is constantly changing.

But there are few things that I’ve discovered over the years that don’t change: God’s word, there is so much wisdom and guidance in scripture for moms. The need for community and a sense of belonging. The beauty that exists inherently in motherhood. The fact that we are always changing & growing (you’ve probably heard it shared as “the only constant is change.”). We are always becoming as mothers. A constant challenge will be needing to discern true wisdom in all the noise, and mothers are uniquely equipped to do this. And there’s this never changing truth:

Even if a calm, confident motherhood was not modeled for you, it’s still available to you.

For all these constants, there are some things that do need to change…like when we’re mothering from fear rather than wisdom, we need shift that and move to wisdom. When we’re not trusting our intuition, we need to move toward acting on our intuition.  We need to take responsibility for ourselves as mothers: our health, our attitude, our posture, our beliefs about motherhood. We do indeed need to take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and we are equipped to do this.

Another thing that needs to change is the questions we ask as mothers. Culture’s narrow and frustrating view of motherhood has us asking things like “How do I stop my kid from throwing fits?” Wisdom teaches us to ask questions like “Who am I becoming as a mother? What am I modeling for my children? What can I learn about child development? What kind of home are we building?”

Asking questions led me to a place of seeking, of curiosity. I wanted to ask better questions in order to get better answers. And better answers, ultimately, came in the form of wisdom from women who have gone before me. I listened to them and as a result I started to read more of my bible, I replaced broken soundtracks with God’s truths, and took stories that I heard from grandmothers to heart.

Grandma Huck told me things like “God always provides for a child.”  What a beautiful truth to lean into when times get tough. Such confidence in God’s providence.

Grandma Claire Bear taught me that The years when your little kids are at home are the best years. “The nights when you and your baby are awake by yourselves without the rest of the world pulling at you or wanting to hold the baby or telling you what to do…those are the real treasured moments, just you and your baby. I’d give anything to go back and have a night together with my babies.” What a beautiful thing to picture. What a beautiful moment to emulate in my own mothering.  Such a calm perspective for notoriously stressful nights.

It’s really hard to be afraid or worried with those kinds of thoughts running through your head. But motherhood has a way of bringing up fears even when there’s no need for them. Even with Grandma Claire Bear’s sweet picture of the two of them together, I managed to fearfully analyze my own nights with my daughter: “What if I miss it? What if I’m not present enough?  What if I blink and I miss it?”

That fearful thought can make you freeze. A posture of fear takes you out of the moment. It steals your joy.

But what if you take that same question and let it convict you instead? Convict you to make true change. To be confident that you know the answer: No, I’m not going to miss it. I’m right here, right now. These questions have shown me that I want to do better. And so I will.

And then you do. You act on that wisdom. You let conviction rather than fear guide you. It’s life changing. It’s you aligning your actions with your values and when you do that all kinds of peace unfolds in your life.

Being calm is not a personality trait. It’s not. It’s the product of growth and intention in a mother. It’s the lens with which you look at your life, your family, your habits, your family culture. It’s the path you try to stay on, and the one you come back to when you inevitably get off track. It’s the product of faith, trust that God always provides for a child.

The best news? When you choose the calm, confident path you’ll find that it is so enjoyable and filled with other joyful mothers. You’ll be in such good company. You’ll meet other wonder filled moms, have pleasant (& real) conversations, and give and receive encouragement, which leads to all kinds of adventures. That’s not romanticizing motherhood, that’s telling you the truth about what it can be. Being calm and confident and surrounding yourself with other calm, confident moms is not a pipe dream. It’s a reality.

We don’t have it perfectly together. Perfection isn’t the path. But genuine joy in motherhood is possible.

The world tells us that motherhood is something to survive. It tells us we’re in the trenches. And while there are certainly difficult seasons, we were never meant to build our homes or identities there. There is another path. I’ve met women who walk it. They aren’t perfect mothers. They have hard days, strong-willed children, overflowing laundry baskets, and disappointments just like everyone else. But they have learned to lift their eyes above the noise. They’ve stepped out of the trenches of comparison, fear, outrage, victimhood, martyrdom, performative parenting, and the endless pressures to measure up.

That’s where I want to invite you. Not into perfection, but onto a different path. A path where you don’t have to apologize for loving motherhood. Where you don’t have to defend your delight to someone who calls their children monsters. Where you aren’t ruled by exhaustion, comparison, social media, or the loudest voices claiming to be experts. Those are the real trenches.

The beautiful thing is, you can walk away from those lies at any moment. I did. What follows is what helped me find the calm, confident path…and what I’ve learned from so many inspiring other women who are walking it, too.

Part One:

Conviction over reaction. Asking better questions.

The question is never “How do I fix my kid?”

It’s: “Who am I becoming as a mother?”

What???

I know, right?

It’s a complete paradigm shift and not at all what our culture tells us to ask.

When something feels off, we’ve been taught to focus on the child. We see a behavior, a struggle, or a conflict, and immediately start looking for solutions to “fix” our kids. It’s a very black-and-white way of thinking: identify the problem (outside of ourselves), find the answer, move on.

But that approach isn’t driven by curiosity. It’s driven by weak problem-solving that often outsources the answers instead of cultivating wisdom.

Of course, as a mother, you’ll still ask questions. You’ll still seek answers. That’s part of motherhood.

The difference is that this new perspective—the calm, confident motherhood perspective—changes the kinds of questions you ask and the way you pursue the answers. Instead of beginning with, “How do I fix my child?” you begin with, “Who am I becoming as a mother?”

That single shift changes everything. And it’s from this place of self-reflection that we’ll start.

Self-reflection

I have a sign hanging above my door in my kitchen. It says “Stay Awhile.” I bought it because it reminded me of my Grandma Huck’s house. I felt like the whole vibe of her kitchen was “stay awhile.” She was so welcoming and loved having her family around her. You’d walk in her kitchen and she was thrilled to see you, already cooking something on the stove in preparation for your arrival. She knew how to set a table with good food and fellowship. We’d linger there over meals and card games, never in a hurry to leave that special place where we felt we belonged. So I hung that sign in my kitchen as a reminder to my mama heart to daily be working to create a space where my family wants to stay awhile with me…today and when I’m a grandma.

I also have it there as a sign to guests who enter my house. I want them to read it and rest in the knowledge that I want them there and that I hope they stay awhile. It’s a tangible sign that shows them that hospitality is important to me and I hope they’ll stay around long enough to receive my hospitality and rest in my presence when they are in my home. No making excuses, just enjoying each other’s company without rush.

It’s also become a motto of mine. Stay awhile. It’s become something I tell myself when I’m uncomfortable. Stay awhile. Stay awhile before reacting. Stay awhile before making a decision. Stay awhile before assuming I understand. It’s a reminder I tell myself in times of deep thought, discomfort, or even joy. It’s okay to think things over. Linger a little longer than the two seconds our brains have been trained to focus thanks to the internet. It’s okay to stay awhile when we are thinking about a decision, a trial, or even just when we’re organizing our day. We can retrain our brains and our bodies to “Take every thought captive” by pausing in this way and giving thoughts our full attention.

Our world might call it overthinking or make jokes like “let me overthink about this,” but the longer I stay awhile with thoughts and ideas, the easier life is. It’s not hamster wheel thinking, it’s focusing on one thing for longer than 2 seconds, taking thoughts captive and seeing where I can count everything as joy. It’s how I can learn and grow from experiences and practice discernment. It’s where I can pray in the pause and find great rest I need as a mom. Staying awhile is how you can stay centered and calmer as a mom. Reflecting slows you down and (as you’ll see later), a slower pace solves a lot of parenting issues.

Self reflection has led me to a place where I started to value perspectives over opinions. Perspectives build bridges, opinions build fences (more on that later). Self reflection helped me take a hard look at who I was hanging around, what I was allowing to influence me, and what I was consuming. This is a constant for me actually, reflecting on the influence of others and what I’m consuming. I think it’s what our fickle culture has referred to as overthinking, but overthinking is actually a pretty low bar. All thinking seems to be considered overthinking these days.

This leads to more intentional living. Meaningful interactions with others (especially our family), deeper connections, faster growth.

It’s also helped me calm a lot of noise online that blames previous generations. Remember when I mentioned that you don’t have to come from a calm, confident home to be a calm, confident mom? Thinking on this (without blame and with prayer “respect your parents) has helped me realize that the home you come from isn’t as important as the home you create. One is out of your control. The other is the one you create. This is so, so empowering. You are capable. It also requires radical self-responsibility.

Self–Responsibility

We are modeling everything for our children…everything. From how we care for and carry our bodies, to how we handle inconveniences and adversity, to everyday moments like extra noise in the background (the chewing, the revolving door of questions, the sound of kids playing when we’re trying to think).

We are modeling what we believe. We are passing along our habits, beliefs, our curiosity, our hospitality (or lack of it), our patience, our responses, and the way we interact with the world around us.

We are even modeling what marriage looks like. Gulp.

That is a big responsibility…AND a big gift.

God chose you to be the mother to your children. He knows exactly who He created you to be. He knows your strengths, your weaknesses, your struggles, and your capacity. He does not ask you to step into this motherhood role relying on your own strength and understanding. He equips you. He strengthens you. He walks with you.

Our attitude as mothers shapes our actions, our children, our families, our home, and the atmosphere of the room around us at any given moment. We jokingly say, “when mom’s not happy, ain’t nobody happy,” but it’s kind of true. The opposite is true, too…when mama is joyful, steady, and grounded, that effects everyone around her. What influence we have. And with that level of influence comes great responsibility.

This is such an interesting truth because when we say that a mother’s attitude and actions are responsible for something “good” happening, the response is “of course it was her, she does everything.” But when we say that a mother’s attitude and actions are responsible for something   “bad” happening, our culture is quick to reply with “Oh, sure. Blame the mom.” “Everything is her fault.” There songs trending about how moms are overworked and underappreciated. They want to give moms all the credit for everything good and avoid blaming her for anything bad because she is the one “doing it all.” (it’s a whole thing to unpack).

But here is where we need to separate out responsibility from blame. It’s not a put down to say that mothers are responsible for the atmosphere of our homes, it’s EMPOWERING. What power we have over the hearts and lives of others! Are you kidding me? Wow. Wow, wow, wow. What a gift that our presence matters. That our attitude matters. That the way we show up matters. When things are going well in our homes, we often play a role in that. Our choices, our attitude, our preparation, our consistency, and our example contribute to that environment. And when things are off, we can also have the humility to look inward and ask, “What role am I playing here?” Not from a place of blame or shame, but a place of curiosity and growth.

I have put this filter to the test in my own life, and I have yet to find it untrue. When there is tension in my home, when attitudes are off, when things feel chaotic, one of the first questions I have had to train myself to ask is: “How am I showing up right now?” Am I tired? Disorganized? Reacting instead of leading? Bringing peace to the situation or adding chaos?

That is self-responsibility. It’s not taking ownership for things outside of your control. It is recognizing the incredible influence you have and stewarding it well.

It’s not helpful to only assign ourselves the “good” results of our actions while refusing to examine our role when things go wrong. It’s not truthful and it won’t lead to growth. We don’t need to look through the lens of blame when we look at our lives. That’s not the perspective we’re taking here when I talk about self-responsibility. Self-responsibility is about power, growth, and intentional living. When things go well (and they will) we play a role in that. When things go wrong (and they will), we are also responsible for our influence in the situation.

Self-responsibility is not self-blame. It’s self-leadership.

Blame keeps you trapped in a victim mindset. I know because I’ve been there. I’ve had those moments where the weight of motherhood felt enormous. I’ve been frozen by perfectionism and the desire to always make the right decision. I felt the weight of the responsibility of motherhood and being the best mom I can be to my children. There have been moments when I was so afraid of making the wrong choice that I made no choice at all to save myself the embarrassment of being wrong. I’ve also been in the place of wanting to defend my every decision and thought and action (even if it caused grief or set a negative mood in my house). Bleh.

That’s not easy to admit…at first.

But once you release the perspective of perfection, something beautiful happens. You become free to learn, to stretch, to grow, to not just make mistakes without guilt, but easily learn from them. Every life decision becomes less about whether it’s “right or wrong” and more about who you are becoming.

Another question worth asking: Can you handle adversity without drama? This includes inconveniences. Our culture worships convenience. We are constantly searching for the easier way, the faster way, the way that requires less discomfort. But self-responsibility rarely takes the convenient path.

When you reflect on self-responsibility, does that align with the idea of convenience? Not really. Taking self-responsibility often means leaving the alter of convenience and walking a much narrower, much more inconvenient path. And yet that’s where the peace is found. Taking responsibility for your thoughts, mind, body, attitude, and life isn’t convenient, but it’s freeing.

We are not promised ease in this life. It’s also not all hardship. There is so much beauty and goodness around us. How we handle the adverse times matters. How we handle the joyful times matters, too.

From a pragmatic standpoint, taking self-responsibility in my everyday life has looked like:

• Learning about health—to the point that people at the ER and urgent care often ask if I work in medicine. I have become curious about my body, how it works, and what it needs. This level of understanding helps me troubleshoot many illnesses that have come through my home and calmly and confidently handle them. It’s dominoed into teaching my children how to listen to their bodies and manage their own illnesses.
• Taking care of my body. This includes hard conversations about self-image and weight loss that often gets so much attention in motherhood, but it goes deeper than that. It’s led me to recognize and meet my own needs (like hunger, thirst, showers, and even the “need” to the bathroom by myself—all of which, if not met, are triggers for negative moods). It looks like getting curious about how my body works and what my bloodwork results mean. It’s me taking supplements when needed and prioritizing appointments for myself with my naturopath and chiropractor.
• Going first. If I want me kids to get dressed for the day, I need to be dressed first. I make sure I’m drinking water before asking them if they have had enough water today. I model the things I ask of them…or try to. Self-responsibility and self-reflection have helped me realize that (for years!) I have been asking my kids to keep their clothes off their bedroom floor only to realize I have my own piles that need attention. Humbling.) Try it for yourself. Before asking your kids to do something, do that thing for yourself first.
• Being humbled. Not just with things like the clothes on the floor, but the humility of knowing that God allows me the incredible opportunity to bear witness to walking miracles, have the honor of hearing another mother’s story and pray for another family. It’s recognizing the countless “God winks” that surround us when we slow down enough to notice them. God is good…all the time. All the time.
• Walking the walk of my faith: This was modeled for me by Grandma Huck. Her preaching wasn’t loud or showy. She didn’t have a podcast or a platform. She had a kitchen table and walked out her values and her faith one day, one meal, one prayer at a time. Her ways still inspire me. My faith walk is a bit different. I find myself speaking the words of the bible out loud as guideposts throughout my day. I use bible verses like “count it all joy” (James 1:2) as a lens with which to see the challenging moments in my day. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11) is another daily guidepost. I ask God to use me in ways that encourage others and build them up, even if that is a stranger at the grocery store. My prayer is “Use me, Lord. Ping me and open my mouth if you need me to encourage someone today.”) Bible verses aren’t just something I read, they are things I think about, ponder (stay awhile), and say out loud for my children to hear. Then I act on them. Because hearing the verses and seeing them walked out becomes testimony—which awes and humbles me every time. Praise God…for literally every detail.

Motherhood is not about carrying the burden of being responsible for everything, it’s about recognizing the influence we have and stewarding it intentionally.

Consistency of Character

“Even small children are known by their actions.” (Proverbs 20:1)

Even small children are known by their actions. Huh. As much as I love to quote this to my children as a gentle encouragement for them to change a questionable action, I always think about the truth about how that verse to me.

I am known by my actions. This includes my character and how I act. I am known for the parenting style I adopt, the way I speak to my kids, the way I show up every day, my attitude, my complaints, my celebrations, all of it. (swallows hard) That’s fun to write.

As much as I’m known for my actions now, those actions will eventually become my legacy. Which means we have to ask ourselves a very tough question:

How do I want to be remembered?

A humbling question worth sitting with for a while.

Truly, I want to be remembered as a calm, confident mom. One that was steady and reliable. A mom who loved her children deeply, took the responsibility of motherhood seriously, and learned alongside her children. I want my children to remember a home filled with good meals made with great care by a mom whose great joy was a crowded table. A woman who loved Jesus openly and took her role as encourager seriously. I want to be known for my hospitality. I want people to tell stories about how I gasped at the beauty of flowers and plants when on hikes and squealed with delight when finding out about a new baby, and know it was all genuine.

But here is the humbling part, in order to be remembered that way, I need to live that way. Legacy is built in ordinary moments repeated over and over. My words, my reactions, my habits, my attitude, the way I handle inconveniences, the way I love people, the way I respond when things don’t go my way. Character is not what we occasionally display when life is going well. Character is who we become through the consistency of our choices.

Calm confidence isn’t a parenting technique. It’s the overflow of a woman’s character.

Character traits of a calm, confident mom look like:

• Steadiness – a calm mom is not a mom who never feels overwhelmed, she is a mom who learns how to return to center. She doesn’t let every circumstance dictate her identity or her response.
• Curiosity – She asks questions before making judgements. She wonders “why” (a lot). She gathers information and stories. She stays teachable. She doesn’t assume the loudest voice is the wisest voice.
• Discernment – she doesn’t treat every parenting philosophy, trend, expert, or opinion as gospel. She listens, learns, prays, thinks, and decides what aligns with her values and beliefs.
• Humility – she can say “I was wrong” and apologize. She can learn from her children. She doesn’t confuse being the authority with always being right.
• Resilience – she doesn’t collapse every time something goes differently than planned. She adjusts, learns, and keeps going.
• Self-Control  – she utilizes this Fruit of the Spirit. She doesn’t let emotion become an action. She creates a pause between what she feels and how she responds.
• Joy – she doesn’t force positivity or pretend things aren’t hard, but she glows in her genuine ability to notice beauty and goodness in every day life.
• Responsibility – she looks first at her own heart, her own choices, and her influence instead of immediately blaming someone or something else. (She also has really short pity parties for herself…I didn’t say none, I said really short ones).
• Courage – she is willing to make thoughtful decisions even when they are unpopular. She doesn’t outsource her motherhood.
• Teachability – she is always becoming. She doesn’t arrive at motherhood…she grows throughout it.
• Hope – she believes people can grow and believes redemption is possible. She believes today’s struggle does not define tomorrow’s story. (For me, my hope is in Jesus. Oh the sweet freedom knowing Him brings to my every day life!)

Aligning Actions and Values

This is where reflection, responsibility, and character come together. It’s not enough to simply want to become a calm, confident mother, we have to become one through every day choices. Character isn’t what we believe about ourselves, it’s what we repeatedly practice. Our values are revealed by our actions.

It’s the difference between posting on Instagram about how much you love your children while speaking negatively about motherhood in everyday life, and quietly living out that love through your words, reactions, sacrifices, and your presence.

The more your actions, words, and priorities align with your family values, the more peaceful and grounded you’ll become. And peaceful mothers tend to create peaceful homes. Alignment brings clarity. Clarity brings confidence.

If you’ve never intentionally identified your family values, start there. Make a list. These values become the filter through which you make decisions and evaluate the culture you’re creating at home. Your list might include: love, respect, honesty, kindness, responsibility, generosity, forgiveness, perseverance, and faith. The Fruits of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5: 22-23) provide a beautiful foundation.

Then simply begin practicing one lifelong rhythm: Act. Reflect. Adjust. Repeat.

Make a decision.  Afterwards, reflect on them—What went well? What didn’t? Does this align with the kind of mother I’m becoming? How can I count this experience as joy? Does this align with my values? Then make small adjustments and keep going.

Act. Reflect. Adjust. Repeat.

Notice I didn’t say flog yourself if you make a mistake. And you don’t have to assign moral weight to every mistake your children make either. Take the charge off of mistakes. Mistakes are teachers, not verdicts or life sentences.

When you wonder off the path (and you will), simply return to it. Calmly. Confidently. Guide your children back when they wander, and gently guide yourself back, too. We don’t have to put a charge to every mistake we make. We don’t have to put a charge to every mistake our kids make.

Take the charge off of mistakes.

Calmly, confidently guide your children. Calmly, confidently set your own feet back on the path you wish to walk. Be known for setting your feet back on the path with a loving attitude. Over time, you won’t be known for doing this perfectly. You’ll be known for the grace with which you continually set your feet back on the path.

Motherhood isn’t primarily about controlling outcomes in our children. It’s about cultivating wisdom, character, and presence in ourselves so we can mother from a place of calm confidence.