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Episode 126. Elevating Mother/Daughter Relationships with Ann Dillard, LMFT

Episode 126

We repeat what we don’t repair. – Christine Langley-Obaugh

Thanks for being here for this episode. You don’t have to be a mom to a daughter to benefit from today’s show. If you’re a woman, you’re already in a mother/daughter relationship (you are someone’s daughter). If you are a mom to a girl, there’s that dynamic, too. Do me a favor…hop over to IG after listening to this episode and look for the Episode 126 post…then share with me which relationship dynamic or lens first drew you to this topic. I’d love to know.

That’s the interesting part of today’s conversation…we’re all bringing a different perspective to the table. It’s like looking at our past (back at our childhood), looking at the now (and our children’s childhood as well as our current relationship with our own mothers), and into our future (what we want our relationship with our children to look like in the future, how we want our relationship with our own mothers to change, and even looking at future in-law relationships)—all at the same time.

The mother/daughter dynamic is so important in our everyday lives and in our society as a whole. Ann Dillard is here to tap into why that is, how we can heal every mother/daughter relationship in our lives, and offer us empowering, transformative insights into this vulnerable topic.

Ann’s Bio: Ann Dillard is the founder of KIP Consulting Services, LLC and passionate about instilling hope and empowering individuals to live their best lives. She operates a thriving private practice in Decatur, GA, where she offers mental health services to teens girls and their families. Ms. Ann hosts conversation circles and coaching programs internationally, where she helps women of all ages to navigate challenges in their mother/daughter relationships She is the a co-author of the Amazon #1 Bestseller Unchain My Legacy and has contributed to several other publications. Ms. Ann has created several tools to help foster healthy relationships and stronger mothers and daughter bonds, as well as parents and their teenagers. Ann Dillard is a Certified Daring Way Facilitator, Internal Family Systems, and Brainspotting Therapist

In this episode, Ann & I talk about:

  • Transferring what we have learned onto our children
  • Why we need to work through stuck points in our relationships
  • Why mother/daughter relationships are pivotal on a personal and societal level
  • The biases we bring to the table by sharing a gender
  • Generational hurts
  • Nature vs. nurture when it comes to generational hurts
  • How taboo the topic of moms is
  • “You better not talk about my mama”
  • Unpacking what our relationship with our own mother was like
  • Recognizing if our mothers had enough resources or not
  • Holding space for our moms being awesome and us needing to address things with our mothers
  • Contextual Family Theory by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy
  • The family system being born from an economic model (ledgers and balance sheets example)—where we attempt to balance our ledgers by taking away from the next generation what has been taken from us and give to the next generation what has been given to us
  • Subconscious loyalties
  • Hero complex and how it shows up in our society…and in motherhood
  • “We are good and we have work to do”
  • Family obligations
  • We are cultural beings…bigger culture AND family culture AND community culture
  • How judgement comes into play
  • Navigating our adult relationship with a judgmental mother
  • Shame, guilt, and judgement that comes from swimming upstream and doing things differently
  • Why it’s hard for mothers to ask for help
  • Fear of losing our status as moms—the unrealistic expectation that we can know, do, and be everything as a mom
  • How cultural messaging disempowers moms by discouraging them from being reflective/introspective
  • Accountability
  • Preparing ourselves for hard times in our mother/daughter relationships (that are inevitable)
  • The formula for trust by Brene Brown (BRAVING)
  • Valuing not oversharing
  • Looking at our daughters as individuals
  • Mutual respect
  • Some mothers are naturally maternal and some are not
  • Doing what’s right over what’s easy or comfortable
  • Being generous with grace for ourselves and our children
  • Grandmother relationships
  • When mother/daughter relationships are intentionally minimized by a grandmother figure
  • When our mother is still seeking the approval of her mother
  • Grandmother as a grounding force
  • Being a respectful mother-in-law
  • Micro-cultures
  • Honoring tension…any good dance has tension
  • Is it ever too late to start healing mother/daughter relationships?
  • Wanting validation and acknowledgment from their mothers
  • Visualizing what we want our relationship to look like when our kids are 26, don’t wait until they are 26
  • Asking for what we need and continuing to ask and show up and work on the relationship
  • Ann’s advice for moms who feel like they are getting it all wrong
  • Ann’s advice for moms who feel pressure to act like they never get it wrong
  • Mother/Daughter relationship resources
  • Unchain My Legacy book
  • Mother/daughter conversation cards
  • Mother/daughter prompt journal
  • Ann’s book that’s coming: I Love My Mother, But…
  • Ann’s West Africa empowerment organization:

Ann’s Links: Website, Instagram, Facebook, Facebook Group, Clubhouse,
Stores: Healthy Conversations, and Project Safety Nets

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